6/22/08 Life as It is

What is it about this life that makes some want to end it?
Why do some want it to never end?
... and some wanted it never to begin?

What is it about life that has some in completely blinding love with it?
Why do some accept its pains?
... and others find it unbearable?

What is it about life that sends me soaring through the highest peaks?
... but seem to come to a dead stop while i'm wadding through the mud?

6/16/08 The Glitter in Her Eye

Isn't it amazing?
That life can be such a b*tch...
but then that same life can have such happy endings.
Isn't it amazing?
That those who are crushed...
are often those that contain the most potential.
Isn't it amazing?
That opportunities can be received...
just as quickly and deliberately as they can be taken.
Isn't it amazing?
That no matter how you look at a day...
at the end, it's all that you've done and all you haven't.
Isn't it amazing?
How someone can look you in the eye with a world of honesty behind them...
but that same sparkle can hide a world of lies.
Isn't it amazing?
How you can unintentionally do everything wrong...
but at the end of the day, they still love you.
Isn't it amazing?
How you can be so blessed...
to be able to see that sparkle of Heaven in her eye each mornin'.

6/14/08 Lost ...

The title pretty much explains it all. I'm lost, but not in a kind of lost as to where I don't know where I'm at. I'm more lost in the sense that I don't know what to do or how to live. I love her. I really do. I'm not making this up, and it's not infatuation. I don't know what to do though. All I want to do is please her. All I want to do is make her happy. I guess I can't do that though if I'm just trying to content myself though. I guess the two cannot go hand-in-hand. One has to be sacrificed or covered with a fake facade. I will sacrifice mine own. I guess the only thing is that I didn't know that this is what was needed. I didn't know that this is what was required of one of us in order continue. She completes me. I would do anything for her. I want to do anything for her.... I just don't know what that anything is that is needed to be done.

6/9/08 How the Blind Inspire

It was definitely Monday... nothing felt right, nothing felt true.
I went to work, of course it dragged on ...
waiting and waiting, the six o'clock mark highlighted itself on the wall,
basically stating, "ok, I guess you can be gone..."
But all through the day, on and on, thoughts of her raced back and forth.
"HaHaHa, You Only Wish You Were Good Enough...."
Finally on to the bus I stumbled...
Awaiting my stop, I thought... thinking, thinking, thinking...
Then on came a dog... a DOG?!
It was a dog, with a man holding it by a leash...
he felt for a seat, any seat ... until he rested himself against that cold, hard plastic.
"Sit, sit, ... good boy..." he remarked as he motioned to the dog.
Sitting there beside the big man in dark glasses, I watched as he pulled out what had to of been an ipod.
It definitely was, but in braille... "huh, an ipod in braille.. interesting," I thought.
Then it hit me... "Everything today has gone wrong or gone sour...
... I got to work in a sweating heap, I didn't stop from there...
... I dragged myself to the bus, of course it had to break down...
... and the few I love are a thousand miles away, or atleast feel like it...
... but he can't see, he can't experience a sunset, a sunrise, a beautiful flower...
... or even the shining face of a content, sleeping newborn...
... but he's made it this far, and it doesn't look like he's giving up anytime soon...
... so why should I?



"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

6/7/08

I have always heard quotes from this source or that, that began by stating, "There comes a time in every man's life when..." Oddly enough though, most of them don't deal with the individual man or his life directly at all. Either they deal with the local society in the most precise fashion, or just with humanity itself. Tonight though, I opened a new door. This door showed me feelings, thoughts, and understandings that almost made me cry... so here we go:
There comes a time in every man's (or woman's) life when they reach a point in a relationship ... well, naa... It doesn't have to be in a relationship, nor a friendship either... This connection, per say, between a man and a woman most preferably for this scenario, shares the feelings that usually come with it such as faith, trust, honesty, dependency, etc. that come together to form one piece called love.
I don't know if every man has felt this way towards a woman, but I do know that I have. It's not obsession, nor infatuation. It's not one-sided, nor independent. It takes hard, grueling work between both people, but it's definitely worth it. It's made up of honesty. It's made up of faith. It's made up of trust. It's made up of just completely being able to say that you can take your life and put it in the palm of another person's hands. At this point in a relationship, I honestly don't even know if love is a strong enough word to fulfill all that is felt by the person during this time. The way that I felt towards her tonight was something that only God could give to a human. It was as though anything else happen and still you would right there with her.
I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's real.

I love her, to say the very least.
I would give my life for her, to say the very most.

6/6/08

Why?
Why do we do this?
Why is it this way and not another?
Why do we drag ourselves down ... just to be lifted by another?
Why is it just as commonly vice versa?
Why do I do this to myself?
It is I who is doing it to myself?

Why do we think about certain things only to shame ourselves for it moments later?
Why are temptations so great one moment and fade into the horizon right after?
What do I do when the future is so cloudy that you have to put the lights to dim?
Do you slow down? Do you speed up? Do you stop?
What do you do when every road suddenly has a DEAD END sign as you try to follow them?
Why do we feel that this is so stupid so many other issues are dealt with every day of such inferiority?
Why do I think about this? Constantly, meanwhile telling myself not to, but only to conclude by thinking about it more?!
If one believes that he has enough stamina and maturity to withstand the issue and "problem", then why can't they?
Why do I do this?!
How can this happen... time after time?!
Why do I let it happen?
I feel like I cannot help it only to be "given" back the mental strength after it is already done.

9/19 ... some of my first written thoughts ...

I love my life every once in a while. But the next second, I feel as though I could cease to exist and everything and everyone would have a much simpler life. I love my girl. She's the one that's right for me. We argue continually, only to love each other even more after all is said and done. I miss her so much. I would give anything for her to be the one that I end up with in the end, after all is said and done, after I finish my studies and get out on my own. I would give anything in the entire world for this wonderful girl to be the one by my side. My family is just as important, I love them more than anything too. My wish would be that Kelly and I would be together forever with my family right there beside us.
It's funny how so many things can have you flabbergasted one moment, but the calmest ever the second consecutively after. Today has been a complete road of nonsense. I don't know how I didn't go absolutely insane, but I didn't. Now everything is absolutely normal, completely in the right.
These moments make me realize that no matter how "under control" I have things, there's something that comes and twists everything out of the ordinary. I guess they call this Life.